When the children were toddlers, it was easy to pop them on a video call whenever the mood struck. Now that they are teenagers with their own phones and schedules, staying in touch with a grandparent who lives a plane ride away has become something they have to choose to do themselves. The familiar traps are quick to set in: the grandparent worries about being a nuisance, the grandchildren are busy and do not make the relationship a priority, and when they do talk, the conversation circles back to the same tired topics.
Experts say this dynamic is very common, and that both generations tend to underestimate each other. Grandchildren can assume older adults are not relevant to their lives, while grandparents often presume every teenager would rather scroll on a phone than have a conversation. "Ageism goes both ways," said Natalie Galucia to the New York Times, assistant director of the Harvey A. Friedman Center for Aging at Washington University in St. Louis. The connections between grandparents and grandchildren benefit both sides, offering perspective and serving as an antidote to social isolation for each generation. The key, experts say, is making those connections feel easy rather than obligatory.
Let go of the idea that longer means better
There is a tendency to assume that a lengthy heart-to-heart is more meaningful than a quick text, but research does not support that assumption. "Relationships are built through many small moments of connection," Francesca Falzarano told the New York Times, assistant professor of gerontology at the University of Southern California. "The style of communication doesn't cheapen the interaction." A few texts a week or a funny video shared on a whim may mean more to both parties than a reluctant half-hour phone call. Texting also removes the "I don't want to bother them" hesitation, since teenagers can respond when it suits them. For older adults with hearing or memory difficulties who struggle to follow phone conversations, written messages can be significantly easier. Audio messages offer a useful middle ground, more personal than text while still asynchronous, and grandchildren may one day be glad to have a grandparent's voice saved. "We think of texts as informal communication, but really they are an archive of the relationship," Falzarano said.
Go one question deeper
Getting out of a conversational rut can be as simple as adding one extra question. Rachel Shader, programme director of Sages and Seekers, an organisation that pairs teenagers with older adults to form meaningful relationships, noted that older adults respond warmly when asked about their past. The difference, she said, is not just asking what happened but asking how they felt at the time. "Going one level deeper is how interesting things come out," she said. Teenagers who reflexively complain about school can turn their gripes into genuine exchanges: instead of just saying they hate algebra, they might ask whether their grandmother liked maths. Grandparents can push back gently too, asking which teacher or subject a grandchild actually enjoys. Structured prompts, whether through a service or a homemade version where each person takes turns posing a monthly question, can give conversations a direction without making them feel forced.
Build a light, consistent routine
Consistency matters more than intensity. The problem is rarely indifference; it is that reaching out simply does not come to mind. Falzarano recommends flexible, low-pressure rituals, such as sending each other photos of what they are having for lunch, or finding a natural slot in the day for a call. One college student noticed he had a long walk across campus each day and now uses that time to call family members, including his grandmother. A teenager who takes mirror selfies before going out with friends might find that her grandmother is, reliably, the most enthusiastic recipient of every single one.
Source: The New York Times
